’m having a whiney moment of mid-life-ness, even though I’m at quarterlife. I’m always having mid-life-ness, though, I think it comes from being isolated in my current life. I’m still the best of friends with almost everyone I was close with in my teens, but they were lucky enough to get out of this town, so even though we run up our phone bills, send letters and presents, and talk every single day it’s hard not to feel seperate from them and my youth.
See, my parents were more than strict. My sister and I lived in a really abusive environment, and we weren’t allowed out of the house most of the time, let alone to run around and do teenage stuff, so I think that for that reason I’ve never been able to mature past the late 90s. That, and I can’t stand the 00s, so far they’ve been a bust, don’t you think?
But due to my parents stealing Laota and my youth, I tend to feel displaced and very much like I’ve missed my entire life. Because of this I live in a perpetual state of 18 years old, where I know what year it is, who’s President ( though I wish I didn’t ), and I’m quite able to function at my job and in my everyday life, but I’m never able to move past the time that I missed. I’m very much like a little child who doesn’t want to go to bed early in fear that, when the fun happens, he’ll miss it.
That’s exactly it. The reason I move from mania to mania, I think, is my need to be there for the fun. It’s so easy for me to get wrapped up in something, like making and carrying bento, horror films, websites, etc., and it’s the reason I can still listen to Champagne Supernova as if it were a brand new song, no matter how many times I’ve heard it – it’s because I’m looking for something to fill a life I feel is gone already. I want to have something, anything, to hold onto now that my youth is slipping away from me, but I’ve felt my youth leaving since my mid teens. I want something of my youth, I want to relive that space in time again and forsake any instruction from or fear of my abusive, horrible parents – I want to live, even if it’s only for a little while